Fifteen years ago April 16, 2007 my hometown blasted the world with the Virginia Tech shootings. Thirty-two years earlier my family suffered from gun shots in our home a couple miles from the massive killing at Virginia Tech.
I’d been towing with the idea of working on the details of my mother’s murder. So why would I want to dig this up and hurt some more? In writing my memoir I discovered how my mother died. I was curious and wanted to know more what happened. I didn’t want to be haunted anymore.
Journal April 16, 2007 Pete and I were ripping up the bedroom carpet to replace with vinyl. We turned on the radio which was rare. The Virginia Tech shootings. I couldn’t believe what I heard. My first thought–What about my nephew Michael who was a student at Virginia Tech. Was he ok? Somehow we found out he was…
Every mass shooting stops me in my tracks. It brings the trauma back. It depresses me. I know what it takes to come back after violence. It’s a long hard dark trail. After being shot I found my well-being and each shooting brings it all back again. Especially this one. AGAIN I had to search for my well-being.
It angers me. Rage hits me that we have not changed since l975. When we were shot, it was rare. The Virginia Tech shootings felt like DeyaVu. Now it is common place. This makes me livid.
Journal April 19 struggling to keep going after the horrible events in Blacksburg Monday…32 murdered…12 injured…It brings it all back…Monday night I couldn’t sleep…it shakes me to my core…I worked so hard to love and forgive my hometown and now this…why does gun violence continue?…calls, emails from Cousin Joan, Aunt Liz, friends Sukey Wolf, Marie Brown and Lisa Ohler-Denman
To deal with the Virginia Tech shootings I didn’t listen to the news. It only intensified the play back scene. I couldn’t sleep. My stomach felt twisted. My whole being tight and vigilant. Seeing news brought it all back to me. I found out details necessary from family and friends.
Journal April 24 need a counselor now
Journal April 26 feeling really jumbled and moody and angry today…I am struggling with all those feelings that I worked so hard on for years…I thought they were all neatly boxed on a shelf in my closet but now BAM they are out and the order in my life feels very fragile…How can it come back so abruptly? I thought it was stored away so well and come to find out I live very close to those feelings, ready to explode any my minute…I am lucky to live in Western North Carolina…it is my escape…there are times as I move though my life when I don’t think about Blacksburg and its past and present horror, but then there are times when it is all so real…the murder, the blood, the fear, the horror, the helplessness and the loss of control…if my life has an element of out of control…this makes me uneasy
Many times I can push the horror away and live in the now. I feel PTSD if something reminds me. Otherwise, I escape into my new life. But with the mass shooting there is no escape.
Journal April 30 midnight…another sleepless night…I am tossing and turning so I got up…I couldn’t sleep April 16 and April 26 I couldn’t stop crying…I called brother John and talked and this helped, but didn’t sleep good that night…never really fell into a deep sleep…I kept thinking about the details of Mother’s death…I want to work on the trauma of her murder…tonight saw a movie with 2 shooting scenes…I had just talked to niece Heather and she said her brother Michael knew 4 people killed at Virginia Tech…a professor and 3 students…Heather said Michael was ok…“He’s had a rough time but doing better”… I feel ok with it and then it bombards me…I wish I could go back to before April 16…protected from the awful feelings…thought I’d stay up and work on memoir but feel UGH…need to go back to bed and at least rest…wrote Aunt Anne and Colleen, Pete’s sister…Mother used to say when she couldn’t sleep. “At least your body is getting a rest.” I need to rest
To have so many shootings I live in fear. Will it hit us again? Once shot there are no illusions or head trip. It is a long hard dark trail. It feels like the nightmare is back again.
Journal May 9 appointment with Barbara Frady, my counselor…she thinks I am in PTSD and wants me to come every week…I wasn’t planning this but it makes sense…I feel depressed…can’t sleep good…
Journal May 16 began working with Barbara Frady using EMDR(Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)…working with EMDR helps me distance myself from the trauma…I dig up the feelings and process them and put distance between the trauma and me…I suffered from PTSD for years and worked my way through Mother and Daddy’s murders and being shot…I had to see myself in a whole different light but I did…It enrages me how one incident can begin PTSD again…It’s not as bad for sure…I have such a good life now with Pete and our business Myco-Gardens growing mushrooms and our home and garden and animals and work I love—child care and pet sitting…peace and quiet in the country where we live helps…I know this process to let go of trauma from Mother’s death is important…I have every right to do this, but it will hurt and I hope I’ll feel lighter…I don’t need this to keep haunting me since I discovered the details of her murder…the journey to recover from violence is an on-going process…one that never ends…
Journal April 20 May 16 EMDR session with Barbara Frady about Mother’s last moments…I felt sad and heavy it in my gut… I had cramps and vomiting and I am still not eating a lot with cramps and nausea off and on…I feel proud of being able to sleep last night…I nursed myself to sleep…I was so keyed up with emotions, but I used my mantra I’ve said to myself since the late 70s— “my help comes from the hills” and I imagined all the beautiful scenes of hills and mountains in WNC—Craggy Gardens, Ardmion where we lived in town, Appalachian Trail near Hot Springs with friends and 380 Curtis Parker walks where we live now…I felt my heart rate go down as I did self-care…I slept good and felt refreshed…during morning mediation I felt calm and peace…I want to move slow and not rush today…I‘ve worked hard to re-claim my sense of well-being and since April 16 it’s if-y again
Journal May 23 worked with Barbara Frady using EMDR again…feel fortunate she can work with me…more distant from details of Mother’s death…EMDR helps me to go down deep and deal with the emotions…I close my eyes and Barbara taps my knees(many therapists move their palm across the eyes) and I recall what I remember from the night of the shootings
Journal May 30 EMDR work yesterday…I imagined holding Mother while she died…I got in touch with how very close she is to me spiritually now…I can call on her and ask her questions and listen for her words…I want to lean on her more…Death ends a life but not a relationship…I carry her in my heart…how I long for her physically but I am comforted by her spiritual presence…
Healing from Gun Shots 